I’ve just spent some time tweaking the style and layout of this blog. Not that anyone will notice.

However, for what it’s worth, I’ve just done the following:

1. tidied up the main text styles – they’re now a little smaller and, hopefully, a tad neater
2. got rid of some of the crap in the sidebar on the right – did anyone really care what the weather in Bedford currently is?
3. added a pretty Twitter badge to the top of the sidebar, and re-arranged the rest of the stuff that’s left
4. got rid of the irritating “Site Admin” label that was in the menu bar, and replaced it with a little login widget at the foot of the sidebar

That’s it. The real purpose of this post is to test some of the new text settings; however, if you happen to spot any of the changes I’ve made, you’re more than welcome to tell me what you think (I guess adding a comment is the best way).

A new stupid name – this time from the BBC online…

Ben Dirs – online rugby live text fella.

Geddit? It sounds like “benders”. Arf!

Oooh – and here’s a picture of Ben…

Mr Tiny Kox. From Holland (…figures).

Many moons ago (12th May 2009 to be unnecessarily precise) I suggested a top ten list of 18 rules that should be part of the Twitter sign-up process. While my maths may have improved since then, it seems that Twitter has not. Indeed, as Twitter continues to get more and more popular, it seems that a disproportionate number of these Twimmigrants are hell-bent on befouling the playground with their rusty syringes of irritating contribution.

Being a Good Socialist, I realise that I’m prone to enthusiastic bouts of rule-making and social engineering. However, I think it’s time for a few more, up-to-date, Twitter rules.

PS Please don’t use the word “Twimmigrants”. I made it up so it’s mine, and I’m trying to sell it to the Daily Mail.

More Twitter Rules
1. Twitter is NOT an “ideal marketing platform”. An ideal marketing platform is a place where you can try to sell your tat to people who are looking to buy tat. Walking into a room or bar where people are happily chatting, pretending to be interesting for a while and then grabbing everyone and shouting “buy my tat because I’m an EXPERT!” is not acceptable.

2. Look, I know that Twitter is indexed by Google. So when you start randomly posting dozens of links to “useful” articles that you’re “borrowing” from other people on the web, you’re not fooling me; I know that you’re targeting search engines rather than Twitter users. A big clue is when you post links to articles faster than anyone could possibly read them. Anyway, it’s incredibly rude, so please pack it in.

By the way, if you’re going to ignore this because your grimy doomed-to-fail attempts at grabbing a few quid are more important to you than pissing me off, at least have the decency to set up a separate Twitter account to do it from. that way you can while away the hours wasting your time on stupid attempts to trick Google, without me following you.

3. If – on a regular basis – you’re going to post more frequently than once every couple of hours, then don’t be surprised when people stop following you. If you want to tell me everything you are doing/have done/are thinking then it’ll be more efficient for me to throw Twitter away and just move in with you. I’m not going to do that.

4. Just because retweeting is a big part of Twitter, that doesn’t mean it’s OK for your marketing plan to include nicking other people’s web content and passing it on through your Twitter account, under the guise of being helpful. In effect you’re saying “Bert thinks that widgets are cool. I agree, so that means you should buy my tat”. I can go and buy a Manchester United shirt, however doing so won’t make me any better at football.

5. More on retweeting – it’s OK to retweet stuff that is genuinely interesting. However endlessly retweeting other people’s comments just shows that you have nothing interesting to say yourself. And you know what everyone’s mum says: “If you haven’t got anything useful to say, for fuck’s sake SHUT UP” (well, that’s what my mum said anyway).

6. If you’re using Twitter as a marketing tool, then odds on you’ve got a corporate blog (because that’s what marketing people were saying everyone should do three years ago). Please, please stop sending a tweet advertising your blog every single time you post something to it. If I want to be updated every time your update your blog (which, after all, is probably just there as another tat-selling channel) I can use RSS – that’s what it’s for.

7. Time for a non marketing-related rule. Twitter is not a popularity contest, so stop sending out messages imploring people to follow you. If you’re in any way interesting, I may follow you; if all you do is yell “look at me! be my friend!, look at me some more!” then I definitely won’t.

8. Going back to the original list of rules, they still haven’t come up with a way of formalising hash tags. Bastards.

That’ll do for now. There’ll probably be more – next time I’m grumpy no doubt.

I haven’t done this for bloody ages.

Helmut Knoblich – the third person down on this page.

DailyBooth – a website where the shallowest of narcissists can constantly publish vacuous photos of themselves, because they’re likely to have equally shallow friends who give a shit.

Alternatively, it’s a mirror with a “Look at me!” button. Which they push. A lot.

Whatever it is, a strong case could be made for rounding up all its users and melting them in acid.

(I haven’t checked, but I hope no-one I know uses it)

A pox on DailyBooth and anyone who uses it .

If The Empire had access to decent social media, things could have been very different. But – alas – they didn’t.

However…

If they had Facebook in Star Wars

Proof that adding Brian Blessed to anything automatically makes it good…

• About to get Xmas decorations out of the loft, while Zoë makes a cheetah headband for her African school Xmas concert. Christmas is here. #
• Went to a casino for the first time last night. Good fun, but gave then WAY to much of my not-so-hard-earned cash. Bloody thieves. #
• RT @realrossnoble: RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE FOR XMAS No.1 #ratm4xmas See here for deta (cont) http://tl.gd/15vls #
• Group C: England, USA, Algeria & Slovenia. Assuming we get through that we meet Germany/Australia/Ghana/Serbia (Group D) #worldcup #
• Getting ready to go out to a do at an auction house. Not taking too much cash, just in case. #
• Am having a play with The Twit Cleaner, getting it to analyse who I'm following. It's here http://thetwitcleaner.com #
• #manutd Check out #spurs to see the Spurs fans moaning. #
• Tosic is on for nine minutes. Count how many times he gets knocked off the ball in that time. My guess is five #manutd #
• "feed the scousers, let them know it's Christmas time" – arf! #manutd #
• "feed the scousers, let them know it's Christmas time" – arf! #
• "Does the circus know you're here?" – Crouch comes on to add to the comedy value #manutd #
• To be fair, it's a very nice stick… http://tinyurl.com/ykkglsz (from @adamphillips) #
• Goal! Beautifully placed in the top corner by … Gibson (again). 2-0 United #manutd #
• According to Park Ji Sung, the Korean for "fuck" is … er … "fuck". #manutd #
• Things that make me feel old – my kids refusing to believe that , when I was a kid, advent calendars NEVER had chocolate in them. #
• Goal! Gibson from 20 yards, after a great Anderson run. 1-0 United #manutd #
• Kids in bed, Arlo out, United just kicked off against Spurs #manutd #
• RT @charltonbrooker: http://bit.ly/17zLdW <<< try and beat my high score of 2.2 metres. I'm better going backwards. #
• RT @adamphillips: SHOCKINGLY BAD http://bit.ly/78IR9i <<< how to batter the Christmas spirit out of someone (and crash their browser) #
• Christmas has officially started – heard this year's first playing of "Fairytale of New York" on the radio this morning. Merry Xmas all! #
• How many Freudians does it take to screw in a bulb? Two.one to screw in.1 to hold the cock..father..LADDER!! #red #
• My Twitter client loyalty is split – the new version of Tweetdeck or Brizzly? I like both, for different reasons. #
• #musicmonday This week it has to be Phil The Badger, for its comedy value… http://tinyurl.com/ylgemaw #
• I just generated a #TweetCloud out of a year of my tweets. Top three words: blog, post, time – http://w33.us/3rot #

• Sold! #
• Who is 'Phil the badger', are why are these people so obsessed with him?… http://bit.ly/87PNxU #
• 15 G-Wave invites available TO FRIENDS. Please don't bother begging for an invite if you've happened to find this tweet through a search. #
• Details of Liverpool's pre-Christmas End Of Season party confirmed! http://bit.ly/5MzA5w #
• RT @Jupitusphillip:
  The Muppets Bohemian Rhapsody :
  http://bit.ly/8ardwq
  <<< guaranteed to cheer anyone up #
• Anyone got a Sony Ericsson Satio they fancy giving me? No … oh. #
• er … because … er. Dunno. Stupidity probably. #
• #musicmonday Portishead – Third. Dark, challenging and not very good for your head, but stunning all the same. #
• Just having a look at #brizzly. So far so good (except that I've just lost my DM window in it) http://bit.ly/6P3ZgV #
• RT @techcommdood: Sign @ my dentist office: "Unattended children will be given espresso & a puppy." // Great threat! #
• Last tweet was a RT of @bengoldacre (who himself was RT'd by @daraobriain). What's the RT etiquette here? RT the original or the next RT-er? #
• Enjoy Ralph Lauren's attempts to stop exposure and criticism of a ludicrously Photoshopped advert they came up with – http://bit.ly/8nNIII #